Shattered
by Roricus Ponticus
Summary: Kurt sometimes wishes he had depression. It would explain a lot of things. / Oneshot, Kurt-centric with mentions of Klaine. Trigger warning inside.


**AN:** **This has taken me a long, long time to write - I think I started back in february, but I have taken long breaks in between, even forgetting about it. I'm sorry if it makes this feel choppy.**

**It's very Kurt-centric, but there are mentions of Klaine.**

**This is kind of AU - it could be, I'm not quite sure, but it follows the storyline of Glee up until Original Song.**

**Trigger warnings: partly quite descriptive cutting. Don't read if it's a trigger.**

* * *

><p>You sometimes wish you had depression.<p>

It would explain a lot of things.

–

You know you don't have it good. Life isn't easy for you, but from the moment you accepted you were gay (you never really questioned it, actually), you knew life was gonna get really bad.

And just because you weren't out of the closet didn't mean others wouldn't notice.

The moment you stepped foot into Junior High, some jock saw you and shoved you into the lockers.

It only got worse from there.

There were the slushie facials, locker shoves and general tripping in hallways. They locked you into toilets and closets, saying you belonged there.

But the physical pain wasn't that bad; you accepted it. It was always there.

It was the words that really got to you, the expressions they used. They hurt you in ways that their hands couldn't.

Still, you managed to get used to that, just accepted it, because really – who ever said life was easy?

–

One time, you try to hurt yourself.

Or rather, you do, but are mostly unsuccessful.

Instead of the usual pair of scissors for school, you have a carpet cutter. It's smaller, easier to carry around, and it's better to cut things out with it for art class.

The blade doesn't even really cut the paper anymore, so you decide to change it. You sit down on your carpet, cutter in one hand, fresh blade in the other.

You can see it glistening in the light and you are curious.

You heard about people cutting themselves, of course you did. Most people said it was just to get attention, some thought it really helped. You never believed in any of this, but still, you are curious.

Just once, to see if it really helps.

You stare at the inner side of your forearms for a while, mesmerized. Your skin is very pale, so you can see all your veins through it. Filled with your blood, filled with your life.

You've always liked your forearms, even though you can't really explain why. Maybe it really is the fair skin, the way the veins shine through, the way they feel so smooth when you run your hands over them. But maybe it is just the fact that they are one part of your body that is rarely bruised. You have bruises on your upper arms, sides, stomach, shoulders. But somehow never your forearms.

They are perfect.

So perfect that it almost disgusts you. How can something so perfect be part of such an imperfect person, such an imperfect body?

You shake your head and look away from your forearms to your right hand.

You raise the small blade in it and press it to the skin of your left forearm, almost careful, but at the same time powerful. You press it down stronger, deeper, and draw a small line. Just really small, it doesn't look like more than a scratch.

It is a strange feeling.

You believed it would somehow help, you've heard so many stories.

But it doesn't relieve any pain. Because there isn't any pain, you realize. You aren't in pain.

You just feel nothing.

Of course you feel it when the blade tears your skin, it stings, but not too bad – it is almost a nice feeling, to know that you caused it.

That you can control it.

A small drop of blood forms at the cut and you raise your arm to your mouth and suck a little on the spot. It helps stop the bleeding.

_Not that it is much to begin with._

–

Two days later, you try it again, thinking that maybe it would take a little while to work.

This time, the first cut is a little bigger, but not much.

You still make a few very little cuts right between the first two that are placed on your arm in a strange way.

–

The worst part is that you don't even know why you feel like doing it.

–

It is warm in school the Monday after that, so you pull up your sleeves in class.

Finn is sitting right next to you. You just started with Glee and don't get along too well, your crush on him doesn't help.

In the middle of class he turns to you and asks for a pen; you give it to him.

He stops to look at your arm and takes in the strangely placed cuts.

"What's that?," he asks you.

You look down for a second, then up to him again, and answer, "My cat scratched me."

He just nods and turns away again.

He doesn't even realize that you don't have a cat.

–

You don't attempt cutting again.

You realize it doesn't work for you because it does nothing to help you.

Even though you think your skin looks strangely beautiful with a small drop of red on it and the scarred skin and the way it stings against the fabric of your shirt impressed you, you don't continue.

You think your dads heart would break if he ever found out.

He is the only person who really cares about you.

–

You like to think that Glee helps you.

It somehow does, because for the first time, people talk to you without saying awful things.

You quickly form friendships with Mercedes and Tina; they are the first friends you ever had.

But you still don't expose yourself too much, you don't want to get too attached.

They are just gonna leave when they see the real you.

–

When you tell Mercedes you're gay, it's the first time you actually say it out loud.

When you realize that, it's a little shock even to you.

You've never lied about who you are, you don't hide yourself.

Still, she's the first person you ever directly tell. She accepts you.

You ask her not to tell anybody. News travel fast in Lima, Ohio, and you aren't ready for everyone to have it confirmed.

–

You are mostly afraid that your father will find out.

Of course you know he won't throw you out or hurt you, you like to think you know him fairly well.

You just don't want to disappoint him.

He is the one person that you have, except for Mercedes, the one person that has always been by your side and always will be by your side. By now, you're pretty sure he's the only one you will ever have, even if there are so many things he doesn't know about you.

He's a mechanic and you know he kind of hopes you'll be one, too.

You often help him out in the shop, working on the cars with him. It seems to make him happy, and it isn't too bad.

Still, you are fairly sure that he knows that you're more interested in music and clothes than cars; that you'd rather perform on Broadway than take over his shop.

–

You often look at the little scars on your wrist.

You were so sure they would fade quickly, but they didn't. And every time you look at them, you remember the tiny red droplets of blood, the contrast between its rich red and the white of your skin.

It looked so beautiful.

And every time you look at your scars, you yearn to see that beauty again.

And sometimes you find yourself, sitting on the floor in your room, just staring at that carpet cutter, watching the blade shining in the light of your room.

It's hard to resist, but you don't do it.

–

You reach a point in which you feel like you just have to tell your father.

But you can't.

He finds you dancing to Single Ladies with Tina and Brittany, and you quickly lie with the help of them both so that your dad believes you're on the football team and Tina is your girlfriend.

In order to keep the lie up, you audition for the football team.

It's a huge surprise, but you're actually a great kicker. So you join the the team, help them learn the Single Ladies dance (which is kind of strange because you're trying to hide the fact that you're gay) and win the first game in a long time.

When you win, you see your dad on the stands, cheering, proud.

So proud of his wonderful, straight, football playing son.

It breaks your heart even more.

–

After the game, you tell him.

It's finally out.

The few seconds of silence are the longest seconds you ever experienced, you're so nervous, so afraid.

But then your dad tells you that he knows. _He knows_.

He says he has known since you were three.

You see that he's not completely comfortable, but he loves you, and he supports you, and in that moment, you are so _relieved_.

It's a wonderful feeling.

–

When you meet April Rhodes, you at first don't like her.

But then she gives you alcohol and muscle magazines, and you think maybe she's alright.

The alcohol does wonders for you.

It helps you forget, and when you're drunk, you don't feel the emptiness anymore.

It's a great feeling.

Until you throw up on Miss Pillsbury's shoes.

You don't touch alcohol for a good while after that.

–

Mr. Schuester thinks about singing Defying Gravity for Sectionals.

It's one of your favorite songs and you are overjoyed to have the possibility to sing it in Glee club.

But of course, like always, Rachel gets it.

And your dreams are crushed, once again.

Why do they always have to take everything away from you?

–

Your dad manages to give you a chance to sing Defying Gravity.

The Glee club has to decide who would get to sing it, and you are so confident you are going to win, because really, no one likes Rachel.

She has even less friends than you.

You reach the high F and you are so happy.

_You are going to win this. You will get what you want, for once in your life._

–

Of course, it can't be that easy.

Your father gets a phone call, someone calling to say you're a fag.

You can see how it affects him.

You have to do something.

When you sing Defying Gravity for the others, you mess up the High F.

You can't do this to your father.

–

Your unrequited crush on Finn continues, and you try so hard to get closer to him, but nothing works.

He has Quinn, pregnant Quinn.

She's the one who gets to love him, even if she doesn't deserve so.

You have no one.

–

You are fed up because you never get solos in Glee Club anymore.

Mercedes feels just the same.

You join the Cheerios.

You get solos there, you are appreciated.

You have friends.

Everything is starting to look a bit better.

–

You rarely think about the beauty of blood on white skin anymore.

In an attempt to get closer to Finn, you introduce his mother to your dad.

Even though you hope so, it's still a little unexpected when they hit it off.

But your father seems happy, so you're happy for him.

Carole is s wonderful woman, and you really like her. She's good for your dad.

You feel like you really did something right.

When Finn finds out that your parents are dating, he flips.

It's not what you expected.

It's not a good feeling.

–

In an attempt to get Finn to accept the new situation, you organize a "family dinner".

You are pretty happy about it, but Finn is clearly less then thrilled.

Things change when your father and Finn start bonding over football.

They start talking, and Finn warms up, but you feel like you're freezing.

This is not what you wanted.

You are going to lose your father.

And it's all shattered again.

–

You tell your dad how much it hurts you to see him bonding with Finn.

They can talk about things you can't talk about.

You realize that Finn is the son your father always wanted, not you. You were just an alright replacement before someone better came along.

And as if it isn't already enough, your father tells you that he suspects you introduced him to Carole to get closer to Finn.

When he leaves, you're crying.

You haven't felt this bad in a long time.

–

You find yourself sitting on your floor again, blade in your right hand, left wrist exposed.

You haven't sat like this in a while, just staring at the blade.

You didn't need it in for a long time, but after the fight with your father, the thought of red on white entered your mind again and wouldn't leave.

So here you are.

And you think about how you have nothing to lose, because you have already lost your dad, and who else did you ever have? Your mother left when you were eight, you are bullied and hurt every day of your life, your crush is clearly a better son to your father than you are.

And then you have this vivid image in your head, remembering clearly the sting of the cut, and before you realize what is happening, you lower the blade to your skin.

You feel it tear open, and unlike last time, you don't just do small cuts, but instead draw the metal across your whole wrist, also deeper than last time.

No one will notice anyway.

The blood spills over the cut, running down your skin, and you can't remember the last time you've seen such beauty.

It hurts a little more than you remember, but it's a nice hurt.

–

And even though it helps you and you feel better, you still don't know exactly why you are doing it.

What made you do it in the first place.

What makes you keep doing it.

–

At the end of the night, there are six cuts on your arm, each of them equally long and deep.

They sting and you have lost quite a bit of blood, but not enough for it to be dangerous.

Just enough to feel dizzy, almost a little high.

And as you wash the blood off in the sink of your bathroom, you notice that the blood looks better against your skin then the porcelain.

It's still beautiful.

–

You convince Finn to break your parents up.

You know it's selfish, but isn't everyone else selfish, taking everything away from you?

It's starting to look up a little again.

Finn decides the relationship his mother has with your father is good.

He lets your dad stay in his dad's chair, figuratively letting him take the place of his father.

They don't see you standing outside of the window, looking in.

Your heart would break if the pieces left of it were big enough.

–

You make ten new cuts that night.

It feels right.

–

You feel like trying something else when your dad only talks to you about Finn anymore.

You start thinking that maybe it's not them that are wrong, but it's you.

You are the wrong part in the equation.

So you change yourself.

You wear clothes like your father and Finn are, don't style your hair, leave out your moisturizing routine.

Start listening to Mellencamp and singing it for Glee.

You really try.

You even date a girl.

Kiss a girl.

And it feels like the wrongest thing you have ever done (even if Brittany really is a sweetheart).

But you think that if you were the wrong kind of person for everyone else before, maybe it would become better now. Maybe, you would finally be accepted.

You feel like you're going crazy being alone and you can't stand it.

That feeling of loneliness has to fade.

Even if you lose yourself.

–

When it gets too much, and you still hurt, even though you've tried so hard to change, you go to the auditorium.

You are all alone, so you start singing.

Your father hears you and tells you that you're great, and your heart would swell if there wasn't so much else on your mind.

You don't believe him, but he explains himself, explains his struggles.

He tell you that he loves you, no matter what.

And you believe him.

And you feel like you're finally free again.

–

You have quite a few ups and downs after that, but the relationship with your father remains strong.

He supports you, he loves you.

You start accepting Finn and Carole as family.

–

It's all working out well, until you have a fight with your father and the next time you hear about him, he's in the hospital after a heart attack.

As if it's not enough that you could lose your father, the only person left in your family, the only person left for you, your friends start confronting you about religion, and you feel like it's the last thing you want to think about.

God has never been there for you, so why should you believe he exists?

Where is he when you get hurt and abused, where was he when you were in places so dark you have to shudder just thinking back?

Not with you, that is where.

–

Nothing works.

You try and try and try, everything, just hoping he would wake up.

You don't sleep, you don't eat, you just spend your day, not even realizing you are awake until you're in the hospital trying again.

You feel like you should be lying there instead of him.

–

And then he wakes up. He wakes up and he's back and he's _well_ and you're so relieved you could burst.

Of course there will be implications, you will have to take care of him now, more so than before, but he's _awake._

Alive.

With you.

_You are not alone._

–

When your Glee club once again pushes you away, you meet a boy.

A handsome, charming, dapper boy in a blazer that is not afraid to take your hand even though you've only met.

Your breath gets caught in your throat when he sings, and you feel like he's singing to you and your smile is so wide you think it will split your face in two.

It feels strange, smiling so widely.

Sure, you are better than you were a year ago, so much better, but it's still not good.

But you start to believe it's as good as it gets.

–

He's gay.

His name is Blaine and he's gay and open about it and so confident and everything you want to be and more.

You talk some more and he understands you, _really understands you, _and you exchange phone numbers and you feel like you've gained a wonderful, new friend.

Maybe a mentor.

Someone that will teach you how to be so confident, how to be whole.

–

Blaine texts you "Courage" and your smile is so wide until _he_ comes and harrasses you again.

You know you should be used to it, it's always him, but Blaine is telling you to have courage and suddenly you find a fire inside you that you thought had died a long time ago.

You go after him and yell at him and let it all out.

All the hurt, all the pain and the suffering he has inflicted on you.

He grabs your face and kisses you.

–

It's such a strong setback, it feels like the last year hasn't happened at all, like you're back there in your bedroom on your carpet with the blade in your hand and almost ready to push just a bit more, just a little deeper so maybe this will end.

The image in your head is so vivid, it feels like you're right there.

Why is this happening to you?

Hasn't he hurt you enough already in all these years?

Did he have to take the one last bit of your innocence?

–

That same night, you're sitting in your room on your carpet.

You're staring right ahead at night, not even really thinking.

You don't want to think.

It's then that your phone beeps with an incoming text message from Blaine.

_:)_

That's all it says.

It's enough to make you stand up and curl into your bed instead of sitting on the floor.

–

Blaine presses you to tell him what happened, what made you like this, and finally you do.

You don't tell him everything of course.

You don't tell him how you feel you can trust almost no one.

You don't tell him how he may have saved your life.

You don't tell him anything about how you feel, just what happened, but it's enough.

He doesn't push you to tell him more, but he wants to help you confront him.

So you do.

And it only makes it worse. He pushes Blaine against the fence – he hurts Blaine, _Blaine_ of all people, the last person on earth to deserve this – and flees the scene.

Blaine buys you lunch afterwards.

–

You realize that things don't change overnight.

But you also realize that they _can_ change.

Sometimes it just takes one decision, one event, one person to turn your life around.

And almost six months later, as you sit in a room at Dalton wearing a blazer and kissing the boy of your dreams, you realize that eventually things do get better.

–

You sometimes look back and remember the person you once were.

And then you look to your right and see Blaine curled up next to you on his side of the bed, sleeping tightly, with one hand of his holding onto one of yours, and look to your left and see a picture of your family (Burt, Carole, Finn and you).

They explain everything.


End file.
